For years I have had the feeling that something deep inside of me was stopping my psychic business from flourishing. It wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough or there isn’t a need for my service. I wasn’t too expensive nor was I unreachable. I knew that I was holding myself back, however I was aware in what way and how to stop it. I am still not sure exactly what is holding back but I discovered a tool on how to move ahead.
This weekend I partook in an amazing Festival based on the beliefs of Osho. I joined only a three workshops, which in short covered:
Where is my emotional blockage.
Rebirthing – removing and healing that blockage without the use of words.
What is my next step.
I was released from my day-job the day before the festival. Released with love from my boss who felt my spiritual growth at the job has been met and that it was time to concentrate solely on my psychic work. I came to the festival somewhat panicky and confused, fearing I will financially harm my family as I do not want to find another job. At the same time I fear I will not earn enough money as an independent psychic. That I would fail.
In the final workshop that was based on spiritual psychology, I met my fears as I volunteered to demonstrate the workshop exercise in front of the group. I was ready to face my issues instead of just acknowledging them.
I know that my soul’s fated path is to work with women who have overcome miscarriage using my psychic gifts and social work background. I have had several confirmations from different spiritual leaders and guides who have thanked me for my work in assisting these souls in coming through to this world. My departed daughter’s gift to me was to set me on this path and therefore I take it very seriously. However, as much as I try to advance in this path I don’t feel that I have progressing as much as I should. My number of clients per week has not increased and I am still unable to provide for my family solely on this work. With the assistance of the workshop instructor I came to the following conclusions.
There is a fear, a panic, within me that seems to be based on a fear of survival. This is the same fear I faced when looking at the causes of my emotional eating. My maternal grandmother’s need for nutritional survival while hiding out in the Polish woods during Holocaust / WWII. The need to survival and fear of failure is the panic I felt when I was fired. The anxiety I have surrounding money and our lack of. I am tired of looking at life in terms of how much it costs and whether I cannot afford it.
The instructor asked if I had to drive from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem ( a local generic example), would I know how to get there? I envisioned the drive and saw a McDonald’s on the way where I knew I would have to stop, even though I hate McDonald’s. I am postponing my progress by giving into the shame I feel when I need promote myself. This would explain why every time I have a good marketing idea or need to promote myself, I find an excuse why it didn’t or will not work. I also have the tendency to put my children first and my role of “mother” as my leading role in life. I once thought that it was because I lost my daughter but now understand that they are just a shield, a form of detainment.
Then I understood what I needed to do to overcome this sidestepping. The example that came to mind was a daily ritual at our house.
18:30 / 6.30 p.m.
CHILD: I want something sweet to eat.
ME: Dinner will be really soon. You are just hungry, you can wait for dinner.
CHILD: I am not hungry! I want something sweet.
ME: Please refrain from eating a sweet until after dinner. It will ruin your appetite for real food.
It is time that I practice refraining from excuses. I will need to begin enforcing it consciously, like me telling the children to wait until, and eventually it will become part of me. Fake it until you make it. It worked with a forced smile after my daughter’s death and I know it will work now.
I already started today promoting some ideas on Facebook. It is very difficult for me. An idea entered my mind. I knew what I had to do. Of course the excuses of why I shouldn’t do it; why I shouldn’t promote in a successful Miscarriage FB group that I manage without any self-promotion; and the shame it will bring if I did post it, all came up and wanted to detain me. Yet during the time I wrote this blog, I did post the idea on Facebook, including sharing it into the group. Maybe no one will comment or “like” but the fact that I did not let my shame refrain me has already brought me closer to Jerusalem. The symbolism that the end of the line of my fated path is Jerusalem is incredible.